How Does Feeling Close to a Deceased Loved One Affect Grief?

What you need to know

• Feeling very close to a deceased loved one long after their death is associated with prolonged grief disorder
• People with prolonged grief disorder reported feeling closer to the deceased than to living loved ones
• Maintaining a strong sense of closeness to the deceased may interfere with adapting to the loss
• Helping bereaved individuals develop an independent identity and new relationships may aid in healthy grieving

A new perspective on prolonged grief

Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through. While grief is a normal and natural response to loss, some people experience prolonged and intense grief that significantly impacts their lives for an extended period. This condition is known as prolonged grief disorder.

Prolonged grief disorder affects about 10% of bereaved individuals. It involves persistent yearning for the deceased, preoccupation with thoughts of the lost loved one, and difficulty accepting the death. People with prolonged grief disorder often have trouble moving forward with their lives and may feel that a part of themselves has died along with their loved one.

To better understand the factors that contribute to prolonged grief, researchers at Goethe University Frankfurt conducted a study examining how feelings of closeness to the deceased relate to grief outcomes. Their findings shed new light on why some people struggle to adapt after a loss and point to potential ways to support healthy grieving.

Measuring closeness after loss

The study involved 54 participants - 27 individuals diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder and 27 bereaved individuals without prolonged grief as a control group. On average, participants were about 56 years old and had experienced their loss around 3.5 years prior.

To assess feelings of closeness, the researchers used a simple but revealing measure called the Inclusion of Other in Self (IOS) scale. This scale shows a series of images with two circles - one representing the self and one representing another person. In each image, the circles overlap to different degrees, from completely separate to almost entirely overlapping.

Participants were asked to select the image that best represented their relationship with their deceased loved one “at the moment.” They also chose an image to represent their relationship with their closest living loved one.

This provided a visual way to gauge how much people felt their own identity was merged with or connected to their lost loved one, even after death. The researchers also collected data on grief symptoms, depression, and general mental health.

Key findings on closeness and grief

The study revealed several important findings:

1. People with prolonged grief disorder reported feeling significantly closer to the deceased than those without prolonged grief. Their chosen IOS images showed more overlap between self and deceased.

2. For those with prolonged grief, the level of closeness to the deceased was higher than closeness to their closest living loved one. The reverse was true for the control group.

3. Greater feelings of closeness to the deceased were associated with more severe grief symptoms, depression, and overall mental health issues.

4. People with prolonged grief reported having fewer close relationships overall compared to the control group.

5. Feeling close to the deceased was a stronger predictor of prolonged grief than factors like the type of relationship (e.g. spouse vs parent) or how much time had passed since the death.

Understanding prolonged grief through closeness

These findings suggest that maintaining an extremely close connection to a deceased loved one may actually interfere with the grieving process for some people. But why would feeling close to someone you’ve lost lead to worse mental health outcomes?

The researchers propose this may be related to identity and sense of self. When we feel very close to another person, we often incorporate aspects of them into our own identity. We may define ourselves partly through that relationship.

After a death, continuing to feel our identity is merged with the deceased can make it difficult to adapt to life without them. It may lead to avoiding the reality of the loss and ruminating on memories of the person. This can intensify feelings of yearning and prevent forming new goals and relationships.

Dr. Octavia Harrison, lead author of the study, explains: “If the deceased is part of one’s self, he cannot be gone, as losing the other would mean losing (part of) one’s own identity.”

This strong continued bond may give a feeling of closeness, but ultimately increases distress by making it harder to accept the loss and move forward. People with prolonged grief often report feeling they’ve lost a part of themselves - this research helps explain why.

Implications for grief support

Understanding the role of closeness provides new insight into supporting healthy grieving. The study authors suggest several potential directions for grief therapy:

1. Help bereaved individuals construct a self-identity that is more independent from the deceased. This may involve redefining values, goals and daily activities that are unrelated to the lost loved one.

2. Use techniques like imaginal exposure (mentally revisiting memories of the death) and imagined conversations with the deceased to facilitate accepting and integrating the loss.

3. Encourage development of new relationships and strengthening existing ones to build closeness with the living.

4. Focus on personal life goals and future plans to envision a meaningful life without the deceased.

5. Use behavioral activation to engage in rewarding activities unrelated to the lost loved one.

The aim is to enable those with prolonged grief to build a life worth living that is less centered around and preoccupied with the deceased. This doesn’t mean forgetting the person, but rather finding a way to honor their memory while adapting to the reality of their absence.

Dr. Harrison notes: “Clinicians need to support their clients in improving their social skills to make them feel more connected with others and enable them to engage in joint activities and share pleasant experiences, thus deepening the connection in already existing close relationships.”

Limitations and future directions

The researchers acknowledge some limitations of the study. The sample size was relatively small and consisted mostly of women, potentially limiting how widely the findings can be applied. The study also only looked at closeness at one point in time rather than tracking it over the course of grieving.

Future research could examine how feelings of closeness change throughout the grieving process and how this relates to mental health outcomes. Larger and more diverse samples would help confirm if the findings hold true across different populations.

The researchers also suggest exploring how cultural factors may influence the relationship between closeness and grief outcomes. Grief practices and beliefs vary widely between cultures, so this may impact how closeness to the deceased affects the grieving process.

Conclusion

This study provides valuable new insight into why some people develop prolonged and impairing grief after a loss. The findings suggest that maintaining an extremely close bond with the deceased, to the point of defining one’s identity through that lost relationship, may interfere with adapting to the death.

Key takeaways include:

• Feeling very close to a deceased loved one long after their death is associated with more severe and prolonged grief symptoms
• This continued closeness may make it harder to accept the reality of the loss and move forward
• Grief therapy may benefit from helping people develop a more independent sense of self and form new close relationships
• The goal is not to forget the deceased, but to find a way to honor their memory while adapting to life without them

While grief is a universal human experience, this research reminds us that the path through grief is unique for each person. Understanding the nuances of how we process loss can help mental health professionals provide more targeted and effective support for those struggling with grief. For those grieving a loss, it offers a new perspective on the grieving process and potential ways to navigate the difficult journey of learning to live without a loved one.